The More Things Change
by mockingjayme
Summary: Forget everything you know about season 4 of gossip girl. It's a little dark in the beginning, but I think it's pretty good. You'll never know until you read it, right? Rated T for adult situations.
1. Nothing Left to Lose

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own ANYTHING Gossip Girl or The Pretty Reckless related. I give all credit where it is due.**

**Forget any of the episodes in season 4 that you've already watched. This is going to be totally different.**

.x.

Jenny lazily strummed her guitar, hoping something, anything, would come to her. She'd been trying to write a new song for hours but writer's block had the best of her today. Of course, writing was never her favorite hobby, but all things Upper East Side had been put to rest since she'd banished herself to Hudson. They wouldn't even recognize her now, she thought with a single laugh. She shoved her guitar to the side and got off her bed; if a single mattress pushed up against the wall constituted as a bed, of course.

On the way into her bathroom, Jenny passed a picture of her from three years back. She had a stupid smile on her face with her arms flung happily over Dan and Rufus' shoulders. The Humphrey's. The big happy family. She rolled her eyes and walked into the bathroom to look at herself in the mirror. Her hair was significantly shorter than it had been since she'd left. She'd hacked it away angrily the moment she'd realized everyone was better off without her.

But teenage angst was so last year, and now that Jenny was officially a legal adult, things had changed dramatically. Since her banishment, she'd moved out on her own playing gigs in local bars. Singing and performing had become her safe place. She'd distanced herself from everyone and everything. Every now and then she'd get a spectacular design in mind only to remember she wasn't that girl anymore. She really didn't know who she was anymore.

It'd been almost six months since she'd last spoken to Dan or Rufus on the phone. She didn't want them to know where she was. They were much better off not knowing. She hurt the people she cared about most, so somewhere along the way, she just stopped caring. After running her fingers quickly through her hair once and lighting up a cigarette, she headed out the door to check out some local places where she might be able to perform. She was somewhere in New Jersey this week. At least, that's what she thought. Cities and states came to mean nothing. They were just all one big place of nothingness.

She walked down a gritty street. Trash littered the sidewalks and graffiti was this town's biggest attraction. It was beautiful to Jenny. It was a jewel. This is the kind of place she found the most inspiration. It reminded her of herself. So quick to be thrown away with so much potential. All it would have needed was some polish, but instead it had been cast aside for the people who couldn't afford the nice things.

Jenny spotted a bar that looked like it held promise. She ducked inside, her eyes adjusting to the darkness. A handsome man, who looked about thirty, was the only one inside. He was polishing some glasses behind the bar. He looked up and smiled at her. "We don't open for another couple of hours." His eyes flirted with her.

"Good thing I don't want to drink," she shot back. "Do you do live entertainment?"

"Every once in a while. Bands don't usually travel to these parts." He placed the glass down onto the counter and motioned for her to sit. She did, and he poured her some water. "Are you in a band?"

"I'm a solo act," she said, smiling. He returned her smile and she let her eyes slowly wander up and down. She noticed he did the same.

"Really?" His voice had slipped into a deeper, more seductive purr. "You're gonna have to audition."

"I'm not scared," she whispered, leaning forward. She grabbed her guitar she'd dragged along and made her way up to the tiny platform. She sang one of the first songs she'd ever written. Her eyes stayed focused on his the whole time. When she was done, she stayed where she was, she let him come to her.

"That was incredible. You're in. Can you play tonight?"

She nodded and half smiled. "I'm Jenny, by the way."

"Trevor," he extended his hand and she took it politely. "I can pay you $50, plus whatever you make in tips is yours."

"Deal." She let his hand go slowly.

"However long your set is, is fine with me. We usually rely on the juke box for music around here," Jenny nodded and he continued. "So, Jenny. How old are you?"

"Nineteen. And you?"

"Twenty-nine. Want a drink? I won't tell." He put his finger to his lips playfully and she nodded.

"Give me something hard," she said, just to mess with his mind a little. He acted unfazed, which she knew was a front - his eyes gave it all away - and poured her a shot of something. "I don't have anywhere to be, so why don't we make the time go by a little faster. Let's play 'Never Have I Ever'."

Trevor looked amused, but he nodded. "I haven't played that since college. You're supposed to drink when you _have_ done it, right?" Jenny nodded. "Alright, I'll go first. Never have I ever been served underage at a bar." They both took a shot. Trevor refilled both their glasses.

After about an hour of the game, Jenny began to feel a little tipsy. People started to come in, so she set herself up for her gig. Trevor announced her and she played for two and a half hours, making $246 in tips. It wasn't too bad.

The bar closed at midnight, but Jenny stayed behind to get paid. She was on a high from playing so long and getting such a good reaction from the audience, that she didn't want her night to end. She grabbed a shot glass that was filled and left on the counter and said, "never have I ever taken the bar manager home after a good gig."

Trevor's eyes sprang up and looked at Jenny quizzically. She didn't drink and made a faux-pouting face. "That's a shame you can't drink to that."

"Want to change it?" Jenny raised an eyebrow at Trevor as he made his way from the bar to her. He wasted no time pressing his lips hungrily to hers. He sat her on top of the bar counter as they both began taking off both their clothes. They made their way up into the upstairs loft and when they were done, Jenny lit a cigarette as Trevor slowly fell asleep. Inspiration hit her like a train and she quickly got up to find some paper.

_I was only 19, you were 29_

_It's just 10 years but it's such a long time_

_In a heart beat, I would do it all again_

_Late night sex, smoking cigarettes_

_I try real hard, but I can't forget_

_Now in a heart beat, I would do it all again_

It was some of the best material she'd written in a long time. With one more look at Trevor, Jenny grabbed her clothes and made her way back to her apartment. When she got to her door, she realized it was open. Her heart sped up in her chest as she slowly pushed the door ajar, revealing what was inside. She was expecting a thief, but what she found was worse.

"Dan? What the hell are you doing here?" He was sprawled out on her bed, making himself at home.

He jumped up, startled. "Jenny? I've been here for hours, where have you been?"

Jenny self-consciously pulled at the bottom of her shirt. Seeing him made her feel like a little girl again. And then it made her angry. How dare he just show up like this! "What are you doing here?" She demanded, blatantly ignoring his question.

Dan sighed and stood up, making his way to his little sister. He pulled her into a hug which startled her. It felt foreign. She hadn't been hugged in a long time. "God, it's been such a long time," Dan whispered.

Jenny felt tears threaten to well up in her eyes. She blinked them down. She wouldn't cry, she wouldn't care. She couldn't. She never wanted to be weak again. "I know." She tried to keep any emotion from her voice.

"I'm sorry for just showing up like this, Jen, but dad's been in an accident."

Jenny pulled away from him. The tears escaped her eyes and fell quickly, as if they were grateful to finally be free. "An accident? What do you mean an accident?"

"He's alive, but he's not doing too good. The doctor thinks he might be paralyzed." Dan watched his sister's face fall totally and completely vulnerable and he watched her features fight it the whole way. "I know this isn't the reunion you wanted, but he only wants one thing. He wants to see you."

Jenny shook her head. She didn't want to look Dan in the face. It'd been months since she'd last seen or spoken to either one of them. She knew it was wrong, but she'd pushed the feeling to the side. Now everything was rushing back to her. As much as she didn't want to, she knew she would have to go see her dad. She would _have_ to step foot back on the Upper East Side and face all those demons she'd been successfully failing at running from for the last two and a half years.

Jenny nodded and wordlessly began to pack her bag. It didn't take long because she didn't carry much around with her. She had her guitar and one suitcase. It made traveling easy. Neither of them spoke as they both climbed in the car and made their way to New York City.

Jenny's heart was beating speedily in her chest. She didn't know what she would come home to. Blair had warned her to stay away and she had happily obliged. She'd ruined so many lives in her short time of being an Upper East Sider and when she was given the chance to flee, she'd taken it. She felt like she was being driven back into her own personal hell. Dan must have known how hard it was for her because he stayed completely silent.

"Dan," Jenny whispered.

"What?" Dan spoke softly.

"What am I coming back to exactly?" Jenny looked out the window worriedly. Of course it couldn't be as bad as she was picturing in her mind.

"Well," Dan took a deep breath, "It took a while, but Blair and Chuck are together, so you can stop blaming yourself for _that_." Dan shot a look at his little sister.

"Why did I do all those things?" Jenny asked herself out loud.

"Jenny, we all make mistakes. It's called being a teenager."

"Yeah, but no one screws up as royally as I did." Jenny leaned her head against the window. She was scared of what the city would hold for her. She pulled a cigarette from her bag and lit it. Dan looked over at her in shock, but he said nothing.

She puffed and ignored the judgment she could smell emanating from her brother. "Cigarettes and music are the only things I have, Dan."

Dan shook his head. "That's crap, Jenny, and you know it. You could have come back a long time ago, but you chose to stay away. You _chose_ to live that way. Now I told myself I wasn't going to unload on you, but seeing just how bad off you really _are_, I can't exactly stay quiet. I'm your brother and I'm always going to look out for you and if that means ruining any chance at a good relationship like we used to have then so be it!"

Jenny wanted to scream. She wanted to hit him. But she settled for flinging the door open and running off somewhere on 134th street while they were stopped at a stop light. It was a mixture between anger and fear that had made her jump out of that car. She wasn't ready to face everyone yet. She wasn't ready to see the aftermath of the pain she'd caused. And she sure as hell wasn't ready for Dan to be playing the big brother card two seconds after seeing her for the first time in months. He lost that card when he and everyone else had given up on her two and a half years ago.

Jenny had no idea where she was walking, but she found herself in Central Park. She made her way to a bench overlooking some ducks and a lake. It didn't calm her down, it just made her more angry. She pulled her feet up and sat cross legged, with her head in her hands.

She didn't move for hours, and by the time the sun came up, she felt calm enough to walk around a little. She walked into a nearby Coffeebean and ordered a double shot of espresso, paid for by last night's gig. Still hesitant about going to the loft, Jenny made her way back to her bench. She watch the plastic women jog by and she scoffed at every single one. Her eyes felt heavy and they stung every time she closed them. She hadn't been to sleep in over thirty-six hours. She stretched out on the bench to take a nap. She'd slept in worse places.

A few hours later - at least she thought it was a few hours later, she wasn't sure - Jenny finally opened her eyes. She felt rested enough. She could function pretty well on just a few hours of sleep. She sat up and looked out onto the lake. The sun had gone higher in the sky, but everything was still the same. The plastic women were still jogging and the ducks were still swimming.

After a long internal battle, she decided it was time to face her demons in the Empire Hotel. She began walking, the faces passing her in a blur. Their dirty looks passing just as quickly. She didn't care what this city thought about her anymore. They couldn't think any worse about her than she already thought of herself.

One face in the crowd passed a little slower than the others. It looked at her quizzically, as if trying to remember who she was. It made her heart pound a little, but she tried to push it out of her mind. She didn't know these people, and these people didn't know her. But those eyes hadn't been blurry, they were perfectly clear. Clear blue. Like a pool. They were familiar and warm. They reminded her of happier times. She didn't remember the face attached to those eyes, though, and for that she was grateful.

She reached the doors to the hotel and sucked in one deep breath before walking in. The doormen looked at her questioningly, wondering why a homeless looking person would be wandering into _this_ hotel, but he said nothing. Jenny walked slowly to the elevator and pushed the button and waited for it to come down. The doors opened almost immediately, and before she even had a chance to walk in, Blair and Chuck walked out.

Jenny's heart stopped. She tried to duck in before they saw her and recognized her, but it was too late. Blair looked at her blankly. "Jenny?" She half scoffed, half asked.

Jenny blinked and slowly turned around to face her. Chuck was standing there next to her, rings on both their ring fingers. So they'd made it despite her, that was good, at least.

"I know I said never to show your face around here again, but considering the circumstances, I'm giving you a free pass." She leaned in a little closer. "Don't do anything to screw that up, or I swear to God, I will make you wish you'd never been born. Make no mistake, little Humphrey, I want to rip your eyeballs out of their sockets, and under any other circumstance, I would do just that. Don't mistake my leniency for weakness."

Jenny nodded and turned away quickly catching the elevator doors before they had a chance to close. Jenny let out a big sigh. At least she'd gotten one confrontation over with. The elevator slowly crawled up to the twenty-second floor. She didn't know what the doors would open to, but she wasn't sure if she was ready to find out.

_Fifteen….Sixteen….Seventeen…._

She didn't want to do this anymore. She didn't want to be here anymore. Her dad would be better off with out her.

_Twenty….Twenty-One…._

There was no turning back, and she knew it. The elevator reached the twenty-second floor and _ding!_ed as the doors slowly slid open.

**A/N: I know that was probably a lot darker than you were expecting, but I wanted Jenny to be drastically different. I was also going to wait to write this story until after I was done with the other story I'm writing, but I didn't want Jenny's actual return on season four effect the Jenny I had in my head. This is going to be a Jenny/Nate story with a whole lot of other stuff in the middle. I don't think this will be updated very frequently, but I will finish it. I promise you that. I hope you enjoy it. Remember to read and review please! Thanks.**


	2. Superhero

The elevator doors slowly opened as Jenny braced herself for what was to come. No amount of preparation could really make her one hundred percent ready for this. Back when she cared, she'd imagined they would all meet her at the train station with tears in their eyes and smiles – real, genuine smiles – plastered on their faces. They would hug her tight and tell her how much they'd missed her and how New York just hadn't been the same. But that was the old Jenny. The new Jenny didn't care. The new Jenny wanted to get in, get out, and get on with her life. Like that tacky commercial on the television said.

She could sense the tension in the air before the doors were even completely opened. She felt suffocated. All of a sudden, the elevator walls seemed to crash in on her. She felt like a wild animal trapped in a small cage. But the doors still opened, revealing a tired blonde, a brunette boy who had similar features to her own, and another, more ruthless blonde. Serena. Clearly, judging by the look on her face, she hadn't let anything go.

Jenny wanted to roll her eyes and knock the stupid look off Serena's face. Did she really think that after all this time, what happened two and a half years ago would even matter now? But instead, Jenny kept her eyes on the ground, not looking anyone in their face. She'd abandoned them all. They'd all abandoned her. They weren't family anymore, as far as she was concerned. She figured they felt the same way too.

Another brunette boy, this one with more delicate features, and at least attempting a real smile, came waltzing into the room. Her heart fluttered. His was the only face that could bring a smile to her own. Eric. The only true friend she'd ever had. "Jenny." It was a realization, an exclamation, and a whisper all rolled into one.

Eric ran to her and pulled her into a hug. She didn't want to let go. "I missed you," she whispered so only Eric could hear. He pulled back and looked her over once. When he met her eyes, he apologized silently and subtly nodded towards Serena.

The nod brought Jenny's attention back to the rest of the room. Lily looked slightly uncomfortable. Dan looked pissed and a little stricken. Serena just looked like a bitch. That was the only way to describe it. She had her hands folded across her chest; the universal sign language for 'I don't give a fuck'. Her nails looked like claws and her face was pulled downward into what looked like a permanent scowl. Jenny tried to shrug it off, but she just couldn't help thinking that perhaps she really had ruined Serena's life. That had never been her intention. Not really.

Lily shifted her weight from one foot to the other and cupped her neck with her hand. She obviously didn't want to be there and she looked like she had no idea what to say and would be reluctant to say it even if she did. No one had changed a bit. Their hate for Jenny had just grown deeper.

The staring and awkward silence was just too much to handle. Jenny shot one more look at each one of their faces. "I missed you the most," she said, touching Eric's nose. She turned on her heels and exited the way she had just come. No one tried to stop her.

Once inside the elevator with the doors securely closed, Jenny sunk to her knees. She just collapsed. Not just her body, but her mind, her spirit, her world. She didn't know what she would be coming home to, but she definitely didn't expect it to be like this. She just wanted someone to be happy to see her. Sure, Eric had smiled at her and told her he missed her, but Eric would always be there. That was a given. When nothing else was sure, that was. She just made everyone squirm. She made herself squirm. If she could crawl out of her own skin she would.

The elevator doors opened and she pulled herself up. Why was she doing this to herself? Why was she letting herself feel? Life was so much better when she couldn't feel. She needed a drink. Anything to take her mind off of what had just happened. Which was nothing. Nothing had actually happened. Tears steadily streamed down her face as she made her way out of the hotel.

For one split second she had thought she'd seen those eyes again. The ones that were only familiar if she didn't see the rest of the face. For one split second, she felt warm again. But the feeling passed as quickly as it had come and she ducked into a bar. Ironically enough, the bar was called Refuge. She sought after what it promised by its name.

"What can I get you?" the bartender asked her. Thankfully, it was a man. All she needed to do was bat some eyelash and show some skin. It worked faster and better than an ID.

Jenny leaned forward slowly, looking him right in the eyes. Guys seemed to like that. She had no idea why. "Gin and tonic, please," she purred.

He nodded without asking her to prove her age. She watched as he effortlessly made her drink and set it down smoothly in front of her. He rested his elbow on the counter, and said, "So why haven't I seen you around before?"

Jenny gulped down her drink with the man watching her appreciatively. "Because I hate it here."

The man nodded as if he knew exactly what she meant. "Another?"

She pushed her drink towards him slowly and didn't take her hand away from the glass as the man reached for it. He shot her a quick smile as she slowly let go, and filled her glass silently. He placed it back in front of her as she sucked it down thirstily.

"Damn," the bartender laughed.

Jenny shot him an angry look. He was laughing at her. She couldn't_ stand_ when people laughed at her.

He quickly backtracked. "I mean, why would a pretty girl like you have to drink away her problems?"

"Another drink, please." The bartender nodded and filled her glass without taking his eyes off her face. He obviously thought he was getting lucky tonight. Jenny laughed inwardly. "Because I'm not in the mood to screw them away." Her head started to feel lighter as she threw back drink after drink. Soon enough, she couldn't even remember why she'd come in the first place. That's what she'd wanted.

The bartender had been eyeing her all night. She didn't know if it made her uncomfortable or if it excited her. Danger was exciting. She decided on both. Soon enough, she wouldn't even be able to focus on the lusty smirk he had been wearing on his face. She held up her glass and patiently waited for it to be filled before she slung it back and swallowed it down in less than a minute.

The men at the bar looked on appreciatively. When she was done, she slammed the glass on the table and threw her arms up in victory. "Woo!" she screamed and threw her head back in laughter.

A song came on in the bar, one she vaguely remembered. A song called Sheena is a Punk Rocker by Jemina Pearl and Thurston Moore. It was the song she'd played at her guerilla fashion show. For a split second, those eyes popped into her mind again. It made her want to dance, if only just to push away the memory of her past life. She drunkenly got up on the bar and began to kick the glasses off the counter and she wildly twisted this way and that. Her limbs felt loose, as if the bolts holding them in place had unscrewed themselves. She wasn't in control of herself anymore, and for that, she was thankful.

No one tried to stop her as she twirled and thrusted on the bar counter. The song ended and she tried to step off the bar top onto her stool, but her legs fell out from underneath her and she was falling backwards. It was slow but fast at the same time as she felt the floor rushing up to meet her and then arms grabbed around her torso, and she never hit the ground. She looked up and saw the face of the man behind the bar. He was grinning widely, but it wasn't a friendly grin. This grin made her feel cold inside. She tried to find the floor and her legs, but she couldn't move.

"I'm off now. Why don't we go somewhere a little more private and get to know each other a little better?" How hadn't she noticed the scratchy danger of his voice before? Oh right, because she was busy being _stupid_.

Jenny tried to squirm or scream or fight back, but she wasn't connected to her body. She was trapped inside her own self as she fiercely tried to regain control of her limbs. Or her tongue. Or _something_.

She looked around and realized she was still inside the bar, but she was being dragged to a door, and it definitely wasn't the front door. She didn't want to go, and Jenny Humphrey didn't go _anywhere_ she didn't want to. Not anymore. Perhaps she deserved what this man had in store for her, but she wasn't looking to collect tonight. She pulled her limbs back into their sockets from the inside out and found her tongue just before she was pulled inside the room.

She flailed widely as she let out a mediocre scream. Hopefully someone would hear her or at least see her. Hopefully someone would care. The man was startled and he hastened up his walk to the door.

Jenny went limp. No one was going to help her. Maybe that's what she deserved. And if it was, well then who was she to fight it? She was sick of fighting. She was sick of fighting her feelings, her family, herself. Jenny closed her eyes, mentally bracing herself for what was to come.

But she never heard a door open or close. She felt herself being dropped to the floor and something crashing or crunching. She didn't want to open her eyes. She felt herself once again being picked up and taken somewhere, but this time she couldn't pull her limbs in. She had fallen under the weight of her liquor. It had taken her completely. But for some reason, she felt safer. She couldn't open her eyes and look at who was carrying her, but she could feel the person's heart beat. She kept count with it. It was just a little faster than normal pace, but it was comforting. Her mind drifted away as she succumbed to the blackness.

.x.

Light had been dancing across her eyelids for about a half hour now, but she didn't want to open them. She knew the light would blind her and pierce her already throbbing head. So she just stayed there, eyes closed tight, trying to think of where she could have been. All her mind drew was a blank, so she tried to stay as quiet as possible and listen to any sound around her.

All seemed quiet, but she still didn't dare open her eyes. Then she heard a click of a lock and a door open and close. She heard footsteps walking towards her and a sound that sounded like a ruffle of a paper bag. The footsteps stopped near her and then she heard them as they pounded away.

Jenny squinted one eye open as she took in her surroundings. She was obviously in a place of a person who had money. She opened both eyes and picked up her head. She felt like she'd been there before. Like that feeling you get when you can't remember if something was a dream or not. She heard the footsteps, much quieter now, make their way back into where she was. Where was she? She looked down and saw a pad made out of blankets on someone's living room floor. Well, that was nice, anyway. She pulled herself totally up, so she was standing.

She knew she had a split second decision to make. Make a run for it, or face her captor. She decided to wait. She wasn't going to run. The footsteps stopped beside her and she slowly turned around. The eyes burned right into hers. Those eyes. She'd been seeing those beautiful pool blue eyes for days. They haunted her every nightmare and filled her every dream.

She couldn't read the expression of the man by just looking in his eyes. She wanted to explore the rest of his face, but she was frozen in his gaze. With as much will as she could muster, she pulled her eyes away from those that bore into her to look at the face. The face that had been so alien, she hadn't recognized it before. But now she did. She took in the chiseled jaw and the dark eyebrows. The floppy hair and the golden tan. Her knees felt weak, and they almost fell out from underneath her. How could she not remember how this felt? How looking into those eyes felt? She uttered one whisper; one word.

"Nate."

**A/N: So, I'm pretty new to FF, and I don't really know how to work these things. It says I've reached my upload limit. I don't really understand? If someone can fill me in as to how I can upload more, that would be nice? Do I click 'remove' on the document manager tab? Or does that totally remove the whole chapter? Sorry if I sound ignorant, but I don't know my way around this place! Haha. Oh, and please remember to read and review! Thanks! Hope you enjoy it.**


	3. You

"Nate."

Everything hit her like a ton of bricks. The Jenny she'd desperately tried to burry in the past raised to the surface. Once again, she felt like an insecure, always-finishes-second-place, naïve, puppy eyed loser. She tried to shake off the feeling, but she couldn't. Her eyes were still locked with his. Seconds passed and neither of them moved. They both looked at the other like they'd seen a ghost. She was looking her darkest nightmare and her very best dream right in the face. Maybe that's all this was. A dream. Or a nightmare. Was there really a difference?

Nate tore his eyes away from hers as he remembered the bag in his hand. He looked at it and looked back at her and opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but he just closed his mouth instead. Jenny wanted to say something - anything - to break the awkward and heated silence between them. How long had she hoped she would have a chance run in with Nate and say everything she'd ever wanted to? Now none of those words seemed to come. She wanted to scream at him, hug him, hit him, kiss him, punch him. There were so many things that Nate made her feel.

Nate cleared his throat. "Jenny….it's-"

"Been a long time?" Jenny said, finding her voice. She looked at the floor. She felt stronger when she wasn't looking in his eyes.

"Yeah," he whispered, still looking at her face. It'd been so long since he last saw her. Those familiar features, they were so different, yet so the same. She looked a lot like the Jenny he knew, but she wasn't that girl. She was older now. She didn't look so young and innocent anymore. She looked like she'd been through hell and lived to tell about it. Maybe she had. He didn't know why, but for some reason it made his stomach hurt. He'd always felt like he needed to protect her. He needed to be there to save her. And he hadn't for the past two and a half years.

"What's in the bag?" Jenny asked quietly, eyeing the brown sack he held in his hands.

He looked down at the bag in surprise like he'd totally forgotten all about it. "Oh yeah," he cleared his throat and opened the bag. "I brought some bagels in case you were hungry. Or…you know, hungover."

Jenny almost smiled at his practicality, but she was too mad at him. She didn't know why, but standing here, staring at him, hearing him speak, having him save her _once again_ made her livid. He handed over the bag and she took it quickly, thankful for the distraction. She took a bite of a plain bagel and felt it make its way down her body resting in her stomach. She greedily ate the rest while Nate just stood there awkwardly. When she was done, she looked back at him. His eyes were sad.

"Jenny. I feel like there's so much I want to say."

She waited for him to say something, staring expectantly into his face. When he didn't say anything, she shifted uncomfortably where she was standing. "So then say it."

Nate shrugged. "I can't. I don't even know where I'd start. I guess I just feel bad for not being there."

That enraged Jenny. It was the last push off the very tall building she'd been standing on since she'd gotten back to the Upper East Side. "And why the hell would that make you feel bad? You know, it was cute when you were always saving me when I was nothing. But I'm not a little fucking girl anymore. You don't know the things I've been through, and the people I've had to deal with, and the things I've had to do just to live and get by. You are stuck in this preppy bubble where everything is Gucci and Armani, and you really just have no fucking clue what it's like out there! So don't, for a second, act like I _need_ your help. I've taken pretty good care of myself these past few years. And where were you _then_? Where were you when I actually needed help? Where were you when I was being slapped around by my mom's old boyfriend? Huh? Where were you when I didn't have any money left for rent so I had to sleep with my landlord so I had a place to sleep at night? You weren't there. So please forgive me if I'm not jumping your bones in gratitude because you're here _now_." Tears fell rapidly down her cheeks as she spit each word at him. She crumpled into a ball on the floor as everything she'd been through in the past couple of years came crashing down on her. Everything she'd tried so desperately to forget just came back, arms swinging in one fell swoop.

Nate was totally taken aback. He knew things had been bad for her, but he'd had no idea _how_ bad. Little Jenny Humphrey had been through things he'd _never_ have to go through. She'd seen things no one should ever have to see and done things no one should ever have to do. And she'd done them because no one was there to help her. He'd let her down. He looked at her crumpled broken body lying on his floor, and before he knew what he was doing she was in her arms and he was rocking her as she cried.

Jenny hated how vulnerable she'd let herself become. She didn't say those things so he'd feel bad for her. That was the last thing she'd wanted. But feeling arms around her, arms that felt safe for the first time in a long time, was a good feeling, no matter how fleeting. She let him rock her and stroke her hair. She let herself slip back into Old Jenny for a few moments.

"Jenny, I'm so sorry. I had no idea," Nate whispered. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry…"

"I don't want you to feel sorry for me," Jenny sat up and pushed his arms off her. "I don't want you to apologize!"

They both jumped to their feet and faced each other, both sensing the blow out that was about to take place.

"Jenny, you know what? I get it. I understand that you're Miss Independent and you have an I-don't-give-a-fuck attitude, and you push everyone away so that you don't get hurt anymore. But god dammit! I'm just trying to be a friend. I'm trying to make up for lost time and offer an ear if you need one. I was there for you when no one else was and you know that!"

For one split second Jenny was shocked with the reaction she'd gotten from him. She was used to people backing down to her, but he gave it right back. But she was too mad to think about the fact that he was actually screaming competition. "Are you kidding? You were only there for me when it was convenient for _you_! I loved you, Nate, yet I was always second choice!" Jenny stopped short. She didn't just say she loved him, right?

Nate obviously caught it too, and he stopped short. But it didn't deter him from the fight. In fact, it seemed to add fuel to the fire. "Don't you do that, Jenny Humphrey! Don't you say I was only there for you when I wanted to be! I remember on more than one occasion racing off to help you when I didn't have to! You meant so much to me, and I always wanted to help you, so don't you _ever_ say otherwise! I loved you too, for god's sake! Why can't you see that?"

For a split second they just stared at each other. Before she knew what was happening, Nate's lips came crashing onto her own. They moved rough and hungrily with hers. All of her anger dissolved into pent up passion. She'd wanted desperately to feel Nate want her the way she'd always wanted him. She felt herself being pushed up against the wall as she let a soft moan escape her lips.

They blindly made their way into Nate's bedroom. She hopped backwards onto the bed and pulled off her shirt. He did the same, and crawled onto the bed, brushing his lips up against hers, softer this time. He pulled back to look at her face, she looked back at him. Unreadable emotions crossed his face and Jenny couldn't tell if that was a bad thing or a good thing.

"I can't…" Nate said, looking down at the bed, not in her face.

Jenny pulled herself up and looked at him incredulously. "What?"

"It's not right." Nate got up and put his hands over his face. "I didn't take you here last night so that _this_ could happen."

"So then why did you take me here? Obviously it wasn't because you wanted to catch up." Jenny tried to mask the embarrassment of rejection in her face and her voice the only way she knew how - through lashing out.

Nate's eyes softened. "I couldn't believe it when I saw you. I thought I'd never see you again. I thought I saw you walk by me, so I followed you into Refuge. I still didn't know if it really _was_ you, but I just had to look. Anyway, I watched you suck down drink after drink until I hardly recognized you anymore. And I don't know why, but it made me feel sick watching the way those guys were staring at you. And then when I saw that sleaze bag trying to take you into a backroom, that was the last straw. And you were just so helpless. I didn't know where else to take you. I don't know…." Nate trailed off. He looked far away.

Jenny just looked at him. She didn't know what else to do. She saw Nate come back to reality, and he searched her face. "I don't want to ruin this," he whispered.

Rejection washed over her all over again. He never wanted her and he never would. She fooled herself into believing otherwise. He was the boy who was _always_ choosing someone else over her. She had wanted to love him years ago, and she would have given anything for the chance, and seeing him now just reminded her that it would never happen.

Her face felt flushed and the only thing she wanted to do was get out of there as fast as she could. She grabbed her shirt and threw it on, making her way out of the bedroom. Nate quickly followed. "What are you doing?"

"You shouldn't have brought me here." She paused for a moment, waiting for any kind of reaction from Nate. When she didn't get any, she went on. "I always felt so inferior to you, Nate. I always tried just a little harder when you were around and I would have loved you if you'd have let me. But being here right now….it just reminds me how much time I lost trying to be someone you would have never wanted anyway."

Leaving Nate with those last words, Jenny ducked out of the apartment without so much as a look back, her heart that had turned to ice over the past years breaking with every step.

**A/N: I know it's been an extremely long time since I last updated, but I've been extremely busy. I think for now, though, I'll be able to update pretty regularly so long as I have a good idea in mind. Hope you liked this chapter…a lot of feelings came out, and with it a lot of confusion. Enjoy. And please remember to R&R. Thanks.**


	4. Sleaze Sister

Nate just looked at his door in confusion. "What in the hell just happened here?" he asked himself out loud. How had he been exactly where he'd always wanted and exactly where he was most scared to go at the same time? Jenny had been right there in his arms, and it almost felt surreal already. It wasn't that he didn't want her right there, just like that, moving her body under his, moaning his name against his lips. But he was always one to rush things and mess them up. He needed time to think about what he felt. He wasn't so sure now.

Seeing Jenny again had brought up so many different feelings, he wasn't sure what was true. He wanted so desperately to run after her, but he didn't want to just in case he'd mistaken shock for love and let her down with his inability to have a real relationship with her. Again.

And besides, he didn't even know that version of her. She was hard, experienced, and independent. It made him want to protect her even more.

_Where were you when I was being slapped around by my mom's old boyfriend? Where were you when I didn't have any money left for rent so I had to sleep with my landlord so I had a place to sleep at night?_ She had viciously spat at him. He couldn't imagine anyone - let alone Jenny Humphrey - having to go through something like that. She really had to have believed she was all alone. He wanted to kick himself. He'd been so angry when she'd tried to get in the middle of him and Serena and then felt so betrayed when he found out she'd slept with Chuck. He'd written her off, and she'd paid a big price because everyone else had done the same. 

Suddenly, it all became clear. He headed to the door as fast as he could, flinging it open and looking both ways down the hall. She was nowhere to be found.  
.x. 

Jenny didn't know where she was going. She sure as hell wasn't going back to the loft and she didn't want to see Nate ever again. She never wanted to feel that little again. He made her feel little. And not only that, but he made her _feel_. Feeling was a sign of weakness. When you gave someone the ability to make you feel, you lost all power over yourself. At least, that was how she saw it. She scoffed at the world and it's obsession with the idea of love. There was no love. Love was an emotion invented by weak people that felt like they needed someone else. Jenny Humphrey didn't need anyone. She surely hadn't needed anyone in a long time. 

Jenny kicked up stray leaves on the side of the road, making sure she didn't pay attention to where she was on the off chance she could get totally lost. A left turn here, three blocks, then another left turn. Four blocks, right turn, over a bridge, through a park, right turn, one block, left turn, right turn, two blocks, and twenty minutes later she was in a place she didn't know. And she felt right at home. She looked around at the city she was in. Cracked buildings, graffiti, run down houses. It was so welcoming. 

She passed a sign with the name of the city, but she didn't pay it any attention. She didn't want to know where she was. A couple of blocks later, Jenny found herself in a deserted campground. It looked like the perfect place to take a nap. Her head pounded, reminding her of the morning she had. Reminding her of Nate. Annoyed, she looked around for her guitar case, only to remember that she'd left her things with Dan in the car when she'd bolted. "Damnit!" she cried out in annoyance. She could go without her clothes, but not her guitar. She didn't even have the money Trevor had paid her for her gig. 

She quickly glanced around the campground once more, trying to find a trace of human scum. Also known as the male population. They were usually good with helping her out when she needed it. All one really had to do was bat an eyelash and make them think there's a possibility they might get lucky, and they were putty in your hands. She didn't see anyone. She sighed and sat cross legged on the ground. She felt lost without her guitar. The music kept her thoughts and old life at bay. She didn't have anything to keep her from thinking. 

Her dad's pancakes, her designs, how she used to want to be just like Blair, how she'd wanted so desperately to be a part of the Upper East Side and how when she finally got there, she lost everything. Chuck, and how he was the beginning of the end for her. Nate, and how he had always been there to save her except when she really needed him. Serena, and how she'd idolized her in the beginning and had very obviously managed ruined her life before she left. Dan, and how he'd tried so hard to be a good brother and stick with her through everything. Eric, and how he really did stick through everything. Blair, and how she had banished Jenny from the Upper East Side, and had been one of the first people she'd seen when she came back. It was too much to think about. She drifted into a restless sleep. 

When she woke up again, it was dark outside. She rubbed her eyes sleepily. There was a faint glow about a hundred feet from where she was lying. It was a fire. She pulled herself up and dusted herself off. _Time to make some friends_, she thought bitterly, hoping they were of the male species.

Jenny was close enough to see that at least one of them was, in fact, a dude. She scuffled her feet across the dirt, causing them to look up at her. There were three of them total. Two boys and a girl. One of the boys was actually good looking and Jenny took a moment to look him over appreciatively. He had dusty blonde surfer hair. But it didn't look so cliché on him. He had baby blue eyes and a serene personality. He was certainly not the type of person she thought she'd run into in a place like this. The other boy had greasy black hair and a toothy grin. He was more the type she'd expected to run into. She didn't pay much attention to the girl, only that she had a curly short bob.

"Can we help you?" The greasy one called over at Jenny.

Jenny walked right up to the fire, instantly feeling its warmth. "Mind if I join?"

The blonde boy shook his head and motioned for a spot next to him. Jenny obliged.

"So what's your name, Blondie?" Greaseball asked.

"Jenny," she answered simply, warming her hands by the fire.

The girl chewed loudly on her gum, looking Jenny up and down. "Jenny, huh?" She asked.

Jenny looked at her. "That's what I said."

The girl blew a bubble, holding Jenny's gaze for a moment, and broke the eye contact to pull her phone from her back pocket, sifting through it.

The blonde boy next to Jenny spoke up. "My name is Will." He offered his hand. "What brings you out here?"

"Oh, you know. Stuff," she said dismissively with a shrug. No one spoke, so Jenny shifted around a little, leaning casually, but sexily toward Will, who she deemed safe enough to toy with. "What about you?" Her voice dropped an octave, taking on a slight purr.

He shrugged, seeming indifferent to her change in demeanor. "Same."

But she was undeterred. She scooted a little closer to him. He shot her a look through the corner of her eye, but said nothing. "You guys live around here?"

Greaseball spoke up. "I live right here. Sherman," he motioned to the girl, who had yet to look up from her phone, "still lives with her parents somewhere around here. And we just met Will tonight."

Jenny nodded, uninterested. "Know of any bar around here that does open mic?"

Will looked up, interested. "You play?" Jenny nodded. "There's a place up the road." He pointed to a road barely noticeable through the darkness. "I play there sometimes."

"You play too?"

"Yeah. Just the guitar. I don't sing or anything."

"Do you have your guitar with you?"

Will nodded and motioned to a small tent behind him.

"Feel like making some money?" That seemed to perk Will right up, while Greaseball looked a little miffed.

"I knew it!" Sherman exclaimed.

Everyone looked at her questioningly, waiting for her to continue. "You're Jenny Humphrey!"

Jenny sat, stunned for a moment. How did she know that? Before she had much time to think about how, Sherman was waving her phone in Jenny's face. A Gossip Girl Blast. Of course. Why hadn't she seen it coming?

_SPOTTED: A long since departed Little J being whisked out of a bar and into a bed. Way to make an entrance Little J. Seems that V-card of yours has long since been swiped. We have so much to catch up on. Perhaps after you're done catching up with N? Call me anytime._

_Xoxo Gossip Girl _

Sure enough, a picture of Nate carrying a very drunk Jenny out of The Refuge followed the caption. Sherman looked at Jenny accusingly. "If _you_ are Jenny Humphrey, why are you wearing ratty clothes and hanging out with us? You live at the fucking Empire Hotel!"

Jenny was seething. Who was this girl to judge her or pretend to know her? She didn't give her an answer, instead she grabbed Will, who had gathered rather closely to Jenny to read Sherman's phone, by the back of the head and pulled him down on her lips. He hesitated for only a moment, before allowing her tongue access into his. She could hear Greaseball hooting, while she heard a very distinct groan of frustration sound from Sherman's direction. Jenny didn't care. She wanted to take any and all attention from who she was to what she was doing.

She pushed William down against the dirt and straddled him, breaking the kiss only to move to his neck. She nipped and sucked delicately against his pulse point. His confused hands didn't seem to know what to do with themselves, as they ran down her arms, to her waist, back up her arms, and to her back. Sherman cleared her throat loudly, obviously annoyed. Jenny removed herself from Will with mock embarrassment masking her face. Will just seemed dazed.

"Damn. You're a firecracker," Greaseball exclaimed. Sherman looked even more unpleased. The way she curved around Greaseball gave Jenny the impression that they were a couple. Jenny shrugged at Greaseball and turned back to Will.

"Have room in that tent for one more?"

Will looked at her, face still a bit flushed, and nodded slowly.

"Good." Jenny popped up and ducked into the tent, closely followed by Will.

"Will, hope you have some condoms!" Greaseball shouted through the thin fabric of the tent. Jenny rolled her eyes in disgust.

Will shocked her, looking directly into her eyes. "What the hell was that?"

Jenny, mouth agape, struggled to find something to say. Why would he be questioning it? "What do you mean?"

Will didn't falter. "I don't know what kind of people you know back on the Upper East Side, but I'm not like that, okay?" He seemed upset that she'd somehow questioned his morals with her actions. A homeless_ boy_ with morals. Go figure.

"I'm sorry," Jenny found herself saying. She didn't apologize. This was the first in a long time.

Will's muscles loosened up a bit at her apology. "You can sleep in here, but don't assault me again." He chuckled, though, letting her know he was joking around with her.

Jenny saluted him, and he smiled. She was slightly intrigued by his self-control and manners. Of course she'd run into the only boy with morals when she really needed one without them. If only she'd met him years ago, when she could have used someone like him. Right now, though, she didn't have any use for him.

He patted the spot next to him as he lay down on a small sleeping bag. Well, she had him as warmth and a small amount of comfort for the night. She could almost pretend that he'd used her and made her feel like garbage. That was when she felt the most alive. But at the moment, with his arm strung protectively around her small frame, she let herself _feel_, before drifting into the best sleep she'd had in a long time.

**A/N: I'm pretty sure at some point, this story will be changed to M. But I'm sorry about the extended absence, a lot of things going on at the moment. Hopefully this ties you over a little. The story took an odd turn that even I wasn't expecting, but it's given me a new plot twist. So, hope you liked the chapter. Hope it was worth the wait.**


	5. Panic

**DISCLAIMER: Once again, I own nothing Gossip Girl or The Pretty Reckless related. I do, however, own a Kindle. So that's pretty cool.**

xxxx

As Nate looked down at his phone, he felt like the Blast was taunting him. Reminding him that a private moment is never _really_ a private moment. His phone began vibrating in his hand, and it took him a minute to understand what Dan could possibly be calling him about after almost a year of silence. When Jenny crossed his mind, he considered not answering. He did anyway. "It's not what it looks like."

Dan sounded amused. "Oh, it's not? Then, please, tell me what it is. Because if I'm putting together the small bits of information I _do_ have, it seems like you are taking my sister, my _drunk_ sister – who, by the way, didn't come home last night – back to your place."

"Yeah, I did, but it sounds a whole lot worse than it really is. I didn't bring her back to my house to have sex. I followed her to that bar and some guy was trying to take advantage of her. I brought her back to my place to sleep it off." Why was he explaining himself? Jenny was nineteen. She was allowed to do whatever she wanted. And so was he, for that matter.

"She has a family in the area; you could have brought her here."

"I'm sure she would have really appreciated that, seeing as how I saw her literally _running_ away from that place. To wake up hungover and disoriented in the place you were drinking to forget, yeah, that's a real genius plan." Nate was beginning to get annoyed.

Dan didn't answer, the line just went dead. Dan hadn't even bothered to ask if Jenny was still there. He probably didn't even care. Nate threw his phone on the couch. He didn't want to look at it anymore. The picture made him desperately wish he'd gone after her the second she walked out the door. He'd gone up and down his street, asking strangers if they'd seen her. He wanted to make it all right. It needed to be made right before she did something stupid, as Jenny was prone to do. She was always 'act out first, ask questions later'.

He decided to go out looking for her once again.

.x.

Jenny was surprisingly comfortable considering the position she found herself in. Without even opening her eyes, she knew her head was pressed against Will's chest, her arms curled into fists against his body. She could feel his arms wrapped around her. She liked the sound of his steady breathing. He was so innocent, it almost moved her. She decided it was time to open her eyes, even though she knew it would kill the moment as soon as she did. Awake Jenny was the Jenny who didn't care. Sleeping Jenny could still let herself be young, Brooklyn Jenny, if only for a little while.

She opened one eye first, then the other. She was staring right into the face of a sleeping Will. A feeling that felt ancient, rusty, and almost as if it only happened in a dream long ago fluttered throughout her chest. Watching this sleeping boy did something to her.

_And the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day._

It made her angry, the feelings he made her feel. The feelings that only one other person had ever really made her feel.

_What the fuck? More feelings. _It was really starting to piss her off. Did New York City translate to the city of FEELINGS? Angrily, she flipped over so that she was no long facing William, and looked at his guitar instead.

With her non-existent self control, she picked up the guitar, fingering it lightly. With no hesitation, her fingers angrily strummed the guitar, pouring into an angry melody. The words flowed easily from her lips.

_You are driving me into a manic  
You can't break me out of my habits  
I never will be you, I hate that you're breathing  
So leave me alone I'm an addict_

William's eyes opened quickly and alert, but she paid him no mind. She had lyrics she wanted to get out.

_You never will feel it my way  
I'm draining the light from your day  
You're pushing, you're pushing I'm pulling you down_

She played a few more chords before she decided that no more words were going to come. She made a mental note of the ones she sung. They were good. She was going to have to do something with those. By this time, Will had already sat up and was looking at her in awe.

"What?" she asked, annoyed.

He shook his head and smiled. "Nothing. Just…Did you just make that up?"

"Yeah, why?"

"It's really good. You're really talented!" He was picking at his fingers and looking down. His apparent embarrassment of giving compliments was not lost on Jenny. She found it mildly entertaining and infuriatingly cute.

"Thanks," she said simply. Where had the inspiration for those lyrics come from? She refused to believe Nate or Will had inspired them. It wasn't possible. She hadn't known Will for more than just a few hours, most of which was spent sleeping. And Nate, she hadn't seen him in years. She dropped her head in her hands in frustration.

The gesture did not go by unnoticed. "Are you okay?" Will asked.

Jenny groaned. "No. Stop worrying about me. Stop being nice."

Will looked amused. He laughed once. "And why is that?"

"Because it makes me want to hit you."

Will laughed out loud. "So hit me."

Jenny looked at him, abashed. "What?"

"You heard me. You want to hit me so bad, then do it," he challenged.

She hadn't meant for it to be turned around like this. Threatening violence usually made people squirm, not laugh. Why was he so infuriating? "Shut up."

"But I thought you wanted to hit me," he taunted.

"Seems to me that _you_ want to be hit," she countered.

He shrugged. "Maybe I do." He waited a moment before he spoke again, still amused with himself. "So tell me something."

She rolled her eyes. "What?" she asked bitterly.

"Do you always threaten people even when you know you won't go through with it?" His eyes shined with humor and it made her want to hit him even more. She lunged and he caught her arm, both of them falling to the ground. He was laughing, and she found she was too. How long had it been since she laughed without the influence of alcohol?

"I knew there was a smile in there somewhere," Will mused, obviously pleased with himself.

Jenny smacked him softly on the shoulder. She sat there, on top of him while he lay in the dirt, for a couple seconds in silence. Maybe she _could_ let herself feel like this. Maybe she _did_ need someone.

As if he had followed her train of thought, Will took her hands in his and leaned up slowly, cautiously. She didn't shy away. His warm lips met hers in a sweet kiss. A kiss she'd never had before. His tongue gently slid across her bottom lip, she parted, allowing him access. Her eyes closed in contentment. All it took was a kiss to melt the ice around her soul? Had she been a frog for so long, she'd forgotten what it felt like to be a real person? Going through the motions, day-to-day, feeling like the only way to get by was to use her body. The kiss told her there could be more. She realized in that moment that she wanted so desperately for that to be true.

A couple minutes later, Jenny broke the kiss, leaning away silently. Will kept his eyes closed for a few moments longer. "Who knew you actually had it in you to be sweet?"

Jenny looked at him in mock anger. "Don't make me hit you again."

"If this is the way that scenario ends up, please do. Hit me all day long. _Hit me baby, one more time!_" He sang, mimicking Britney Spears.

Jenny burst into laughter, _real laughter_. "NEVER do that again!" The act felt so alien, but so good. She wanted to keep laughing, keep smiling, and she _really_ wanted to keep kissing Will.

She settled for talking to him instead.

They left the tent, noting briefly that Greaseball and Sherman were gone. Not that either of them even cared. Walking side-by-side, Will grabbed Jenny's hand in his own. For a split second, she felt her insecurities kick in and turn to anger when she felt too close to being vulnerable. She'd lived for so long as a shell, an exoskeleton, that she had to remember how it felt to be human.

They found a tree, and Will sat up against it, coaxing Jenny down to sit between his legs. She did, pressing her back up to his, and he wrapped his arms around her, settling them on her raised knees. "So…" she started, feeling a little uncomfortable and definitely out of her element.

"So," he repeated.

She laughed once, enjoying the feel of the sound on her tongue. "You're not making this very easy for me."

He rested his chin on her head. "Not making what easy?" he murmured.

"Small talk."

"Sorry," he laughed. "What do you want to know?"

"I don't know," Jenny sighed, starting to get frustrated. "I don't know how this stuff works."

Will laughed into her hair. "Here, how about I just tell you about myself? My name is William Davis. I'm nineteen years old. I used to live in Pennsylvania, but I came to New York a couple months ago. I play the guitar, and I don't like to roll around in the dirt making out with chicks I just met. Well, I mean, I liked it, but I don't generally go around doing things like that."

Jenny rolled her eyes. "Yeah, whatever."

"And what about you?"

"What about me?"

"It's your turn to talk about yourself."

"Oh…um. My name is Jenny Humphrey. I'm nineteen. And, unlike you, sometimes I do roll around in the dirt making out with dudes I just met." She just made a joke. Damn, she was on fire.

"Obviously."

They sat in silence for a bit longer, just enjoying each other's company. Every so often, past demons would try to present themselves to Jenny, to remind her of what she really was, but she pushed them away, electing, instead, to think of Will's lips on her own.

"So what is someone like you doing around here?" Jenny asked, breaking the silence between them.

"What do you mean 'someone like me'?"

"I mean exactly what I said. And you know exactly what I mean. You're a question deflector," she accused lightly.

Will sighed. "I figured that one was coming. Something happened back home. I couldn't stay there anymore, so I just…came here."

"What happened?"

"Nothing, it doesn't matter," he said, pushing her off him gently.

"Obviously it does."

"It just doesn't, okay?" His eyes got far away and Jenny reached out subconsciously, grabbing his hands between hers.

"Trust me, I get complicated. I _invented_ complicated."

"It different than that…"

"Honestly, it can't be worse than the things I've done." He wouldn't look in her eyes.

"Oh, yes it can."

"Try me," she challenged, trying to get him to lighten up.

He sighed, looked at her desperately, and then whispered, "I killed someone."

**A/N: If you want a visual aid when trying to picture Will, just google William Moseley. I'm honestly not too fond of the fluff, but I had to let Jenny have her moment. God knows that soon it will be a thing of the past. By the way, only one review on the last chapter I updated. I can, and will, be one of those annoying authors who holds chapters over your head for lack of reviews. You keep that in mind. **** On that note, please R&R. Oh, and in case you were wondering, yes, I did change my username.**


	6. Far From Never

**This is a shorter chapter than what you're used to, but that probably just means there will be another posted sooner. Maybe. I am glad to see some of you like Will, I promise he has a purpose in this story, he's not just some guy Jenny gets to play tonsil hockey with for a few chapters. Sorry to those who don't like him, though. Personally, I like him. But I'm probably just being biased since I based him on my biggest celebrity crush. **

Jenny watched as his face twisted up, reliving the past. He was joking, right? Right? "You…killed someone?"

Will looked at her dead in the face. "Why else would I be _here,_ of all places?" He motioned around him. She seized the opportunity to seek someone, anyone, out on the campground in case he tried to make her his next victim. The place was virtually unoccupied.

"So let me get this right. _You_ killed someone. _You_." She looked down at her hands and rubbed her fingers where his had entwined with hers, he'd seemed so gentle, such her opposite. Now that he was worse, she felt stupid for letting him make her forget. Her walls instantly went back up.

"I did." He surveyed her face carefully, searching for a trace of some kind of emotion. Fear, anger, amusement. He found nothing. Her face had formed the most perfect, unemotional face he'd ever seen. Years of practice. "It's not how you think it is, though." He reached his hands out desperately, willing her to believe him.

"How do you know what I think?" She made sure her voice came out steadier than she felt inside. His confession made her feel like ninth grade Jenny, being fondled and taken advantage of on the roof of the Kiss on the Lips party. So unsure of herself, of her life.

"Because of that right there," he said, motioning towards her face. "That mask you're wearing. Your voice. You don't know what to think of me anymore."

"Should I be reacting any other way?" She challenged, eyeing him.

"Can I at least explain first?" She shrugged, so he took it as a yes. "I dated his girl once. We were together for a long time. Anyway, the last few months of our relationship, we both could tell it was over. She pulled away and turned to other people for support with…things that she'd usually turned to me for. We got in a bad argument one night and I went out to drink with some of my friends. You know, to forget the bullshit for a while. After a while, I realized that I needed to just go talk to her. We needed to get things out on the table. So I went home.

"She was there, but she wasn't alone. She had some guy…s-she was with some other guy. It infuriated me. I stomped out of the house and got in my car. She jumped up to run after me, naturally. But I kept going. I didn't want to talk. But she didn't let it go, she got in the passenger seat and tried to talk me out of it. Telling me I was drunk and I needed to go lay down. I almost took her up on it, but then she apologized. And for someone reason that pissed me off more than anything else. So, I started the car and began driving. Racing down isolated farm roads. She was begging me to slow down, to go home, but I couldn't. She was pulling on my arm, screaming. Finally, I looked over at her, and just then she started screaming and pointing to something in front of us. I looked up in just enough time to see a cow in the middle of the road, and I tried to swerve, but it was too late. We slammed into the cow and flipped…I don't even know how many times. She was thrown from the car…" he stopped.

Tears had begun forming in his eyes, but Jenny kept her distance. For all she knew, he was making it up. It was all just a ploy he used on all the girls he killed. But something in her heart told her that he was being honest. The hurt in his face was too real. Still, she stayed right where she was.

Will composed himself a little, not looking at Jenny. "The impact knocked me out cold, but when I came to I saw her. She was dead. I got scared, so I ran."

"And you came here?" She asked slowly, letting things sink in.

"Yes. I didn't know where else to go. I just kind of found myself here. I've just been with Sherman and Lyle a couple of days."

That brought Jenny up short. He'd only been here a couple of days? So the accident hadn't happened that long ago? She was a rebound? Why was that the thing that bothered her the most? Not the fact that he was the reason for his ex's demise, but because he was still so broken up about it that he'd turned to her for comfort when she'd thought everything was real.

_It's not any different than you and your feelings for Nate_, a voice inside her head told her. Still, she couldn't help feeling a small pang of…something. Feelings, again. This was getting old.

"So it only happened a few days ago?"

Will looked up at her then. "No," he said, as if it were common knowledge. "It happened months ago. I've just been a transient for a while. Just happened to come here about a day and a half before you did."

Jenny felt relieved. And the feeling made her angry. "Stop! Just stop!"

Will looked at her questioningly. "Stop what?"

Jenny groaned. "Stop making me feel! In the last twenty-four hours I've let my guard down, twice, felt happy, scared, jealous, nervous…I just…I don't like to feel vulnerable. You're making me feel vulnerable."

"I wasn't aware that feelings were bad."

There was something building inside Jenny. Like a volcano, she felt something quickly making its way to the surface. She wanted to scream, or run in circles, or throw herself on the ground and have a temper tantrum. _Something_. She had the insane need to be doing something. "Let's go," she said grabbing Will's hand. He didn't question her or make a single sound. He followed her, slightly behind.

She'd dragged them both back to the tent. Without a word, she zipped it open furiously, stepping inside. She'd let go of Will's hand to do so. She sat down on the blanket they had shared the previous night. He stood outside, looking inside awkwardly.

"Oh, you're really _not_ that stupid, right?" She asked incredulously.

He grinned just a little, but made his way into the tent beside her. Almost instantly, her lips came crashing down on his. It was an intense and alien need she'd never experienced before. Her hands mixed with his hair greedily, as his tongue tried to keep up with hers. Her hands fumbled and shook with intensity as she struggled with the buttons on his shirt.

She felt him pulling away from the kiss, and he grabbed a hold of her wrists, forcing her to stop. "Jenny. No. We can't."

Jenny huffed. Was he serious? "And why not?" She didn't try to disguise the anger in her voice. Rejected by two boys in two days? She was in serious need of an ego boost. Or reassuring meaningless sex. Didn't look like she was getting either.

He sat back, scooting away from her slightly. He looked at the top of the tent, his fingers absently returning the buttons to their respective holes. "Did you know that you talk in your sleep?"

No, she wasn't. What did that have to do with anything? "No," she answered simply, scowling at him. Trying to set him on fire with her eyes.

"Well, you do. I'm a light sleeper, so I woke up right away. You mumbled incoherently for a while, but then…" he just trailed off, eyes still trained on the roof of the tent.

"And then _what_?" Jenny asked angrily.

"You were talking about someone. And about those things you hate so much. You know, _feelings_?" He pronounced the word sarcastically.

Jenny laughed once. What the hell was he trying to get at? He must have been waiting for her to say something, to possibly catch on, but she just sat there. Fuming in rejection and anger.

"So, Jenny, who's Nate?"


	7. Void and Null

**On my third computer in two years. Should I even explain how I should NOT own anything technology related? Because I shouldn't. Sorry about the wait.**

xxxx

"Who's Nate?" Will repeated again.

Jenny looked at him in stunned silence. She wasn't too shocked to speak. She was too _angry_. Who the hell was _he_? He didn't have the _right_ to look at her with those accusing eyes. Or speak to her with that tone. "Does it even matter?"

Will just looked at her. He didn't have to speak. His eyes said it. _What do _you_ think?_

The condescending look on his face infuriated her. She wanted to lash out. "You're not my fucking boyfriend. You're not even my fuck buddy. You've made _that_ pretty clear." Jenny tugged at her sleeve. She just wanted to rip something, but the fabric wouldn't tear.

"Is that really all you want from me? Sex?"

_No._ "What if it is?"

"Then by all means, Jenny. Have your way with me. Zip the tent on the way out."

"Why are you acting like such a baby? Because I said 'Nate' while I was sleeping? I'm _so_ fucking sorry, Will. I'll be sure to tell my subconscious to knock it off next time because it might hurt your feelings." Jenny rolled her eyes, and moved to get up. Will grabbed her arm and she spun to face him. "Let go of me, Will." His grip neither faltered nor tightened. "Let. Go."

"No," he whispered.

Jenny searched his face for a moment. Then she grabbed his head and crashed her lips on his. This kiss was different. It was angry and passionate and rough. It stirred something deep inside her, but also made her wary. It felt like an end. It felt… _wrong_. Feelings.

God dammit. "Stop." She pushed away from Will, grabbed his guitar, and stomped out of the tent. He didn't follow.

What Jenny really felt like doing was making a dress, but that made her feel sick. Made her want to cry. And Jenny Humphrey didn't cry. So instead she plucked the strings of Will's guitar angrily, forcing lyrics and a melody out of her head. She wanted them to be angry, wanted them to make her want to break something. But they came out differently.

"_Never thought I'd be the one to love you  
Never thought you'd be the one to bring me down  
Where am I now?_

_Never thought I'd be the one to touch you  
Never thought you'd be the one to feel the same  
Now look who's changed."_

She'd set out to write an angry song about Will and sing it loud enough for him to hear. For him to get the point. Instead, her mind conjured up different blue eyes. Eyes that stung her heart. Nate.

She could feel his presence behind her before she even heard him speak. And when he spoke, he didn't sound angry. He just sounded void. Void and null. "Nate, right?"

She let the tears fall. She pushed the guitar away from her and did the only thing she'd really learned from the Upper East Side. She ran. She ran, but she didn't expect anyone to follow. Certainly not Will. Not now. Not after he learned so abruptly and harshly that he was just her rebound.

But he did.

And when he caught up to her, he grabbed her around the waist and the abrupt stop almost made her almost fall. She let out a cry of frustration. She didn't want him to see her crying. But he just hugged her around the waist while she cried. He said nothing. Just held her quietly.

When she had finally cried herself out, she felt disgusted. Disgusted at her weakness, disgusted that he had seen it all, and disgusted with herself. She slowly turned to face him.

His face was blank. He didn't hold judgment in his eyes. No pity. Just… nothing. "I'm sorry," she whispered quietly, not looking at his face.

He placed a finger under her chin and pulled her head up so she was facing him. "Don't apologize. It's the first real emotion I've seen from you since I met you." He removed his hand and her head sank back down.

"I didn't want you to see that," she mumbled.

"Stop trying to hide yourself from me. Don't hide behind your music, your exoskeleton, and _don't_ hide behind sex. I didn't let you stay in my tent because you tried to jump my bones, Jenny. I like you because I know that you can be so much more."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"Well when it does, you know where to find me." He unwound his hands from around her and made his way back the way they both came.

She watched him go, angry at herself and at him. Anger. Her go-to emotion. Maybe he had a point, but she wasn't willing to admit it. She didn't want him to be right. So what if she was using music and sex to hide? Obviously who she was isn't much better than who she is now. If she was so fucking godly then, she wouldn't be right here, right now. Would she?

She wiped the tears from her face and grabbed the guitar from the ground. She briefly considered bringing it back to Will just as an excuse to see if he was still there. But she wasn't ready to admit he was right. So instead, she made her way towards the bar that Greaseball had pointed her to the other night.

She was going to play her heart out. And maybe even find a suitor. She'd do everything she could to rid the label Will had so carelessly bestowed on her. Or prove it to be so.

The sign over the bar got clearer as Jenny got closer. Blue Room was the name. So original. Jenny rolled her eyes. She'd had gigs at three different Blue Rooms.

When she opened the door, she was not surprised to find that almost everything in the place was blue. She tugged the guitar inside behind her and the doors slammed shut with an audible bang, and despite her best efforts to not react, it made her jump. A few heads swiveled in her direction and sized her up. One of the men behind the bar stepped around and made his way up to her. "Can I help you?"

"Open mic?" Jenny lifted her guitar a little off the floor to show him she was serious.

He eyed the guitar and his eyes landed back on her face, down her body, and back up slowly. Finally, she was being looked at like that again. She'd almost begun to think she'd lost her touch. "Think you got what it takes? We don't like no Britney Spears bullshit here."

"Good. Because I don't sing it. Open mic or not?"

He nodded in approval. "I think we can give you a shot. What are you gonna sing?"

"It's one of my own songs. It's called Nothing Left to Lose. I wrote it the last time I had a gig. It was a good show, so I fucked the bar manager."

"Then by all means, sweetheart. Play. And for the record: I'm the bar manager."

"Figured." Jenny wanted to squirm when he rubbed his hand down her arm, but she managed to play coy. Aside from his rank breath, he had graying hair and wrinkly skin. He could have been her grandfather. Grandpop wasn't getting any play tonight. At least not from her. Although, she wouldn't let him know that, not yet, anyway. "When can I go on?"

"As soon as you want to."

Jenny nodded and made her way to the stage, feeling the eyes of all the gritty men in the bar follow her as she did. She adjusted the guitar strap around her neck and started playing the opening melody to Nothing Left to Lose.

"_I was only nineteen you were twenty-nine  
It's just ten years but it's such a long time  
In a heartbeat, I would do it all again._

_Late night sex, smoking cigarettes  
I try real hard, but I can't forget  
Now in a heartbeat, I would do it all again_"

The words brought her back. She could feel Trevor on top of her. Moving his body so carelessly and rough over hers. His mouth running over hers without a second thought about her own. All of his movements and grunts and words had been purely for his pleasure. And when she snuck out of his apartment that night, she'd seen his eyes open and watch her leave. He didn't want her to stay. He'd gotten what he wanted from her and he didn't want anything else. She gave him all of her and he sponged it out and then discarded it just as quickly.

This thought had never bothered her before. She could always make the argument that at least for a moment, she was wanted. Someone had wanted her. But it wasn't _her_ that they wanted. It was the sex. She could have been anyone.

She couldn't sing anymore. She'd planned on singing more than one song, giving Will enough time to wonder where she had gone, to worry about her, but she couldn't do it anymore. Will had planted the seed in her head, and it had taken on a life of its own. She had been hiding behind the things she thought made her instead of _being_ her. But she'd been a shell for so long; she didn't even know who she was.

When she played the last chord, she didn't even wait for the applause. She hustled from the stage and tore through the door. She could hear the groans and the loud questions and the confusion coming from inside, but she didn't care. She didn't even care about the tips she may or may not have made. She just needed to get back to the tent. She needed to tell Will that he was right about her. About everything.

And she wanted his help. She needed it. She didn't know the first thing about being herself. She didn't know how to get there.

The sun was about to tuck in to the sky for the night, but she could see the tent from the last remaining rays. She hastily unzipped the tent, and pulled it open. But it was empty.

Will was gone.


End file.
